Mothers and Madness

I recently unearthed some pieces written twenty-five years ago and left to neglect. I decided this one was amusing enough to share with other mothers who have found themselves suffused with frustration, exhaustion and a love that's stronger than anything else in the world!

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Mothers and Madness

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I’m not saying that children cause brain damage, but in my case there is indisputable evidence that brainpower has been seriously diminished since the onset of motherhood.

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Before the birth of my first child, I was a sharp productive woman who could make decisions and follow them through with resolution. Thirteen years later, I need a solid hour to decide between fresh and frozen peas for dinner; and resolution is only a word I’m unable to spell when one of my children asks me.

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Once a woman who moved with flair and delivered speeches with aplomb, I now stumble about with all the grace of an alcoholic moose, and seem incapable of stringing together a sentence any toddler could master.

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I suppose it’s not surprising. What brain could really be expected to hold out against the baby blues and the terrible twos? One mind-numbing childhood phase leads invariably into another; the cycle has been set in motion!

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On reflection, I can see that the change from superwoman to idiot took place so insidiously that there was no way it could have been avoided. I went from interviewing applicants for the job I was vacating, to hours spent babbling nursery rhymes to a wide-eyed creature who never seemed to tire of my attention.
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Suits gave way to jeans; trade journals to baby magazines. Executive lunches were replaced by creamed spinach, and weary midnight mutterings pushed aside witty repartee as if it had never existed.

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Today, the transformation is complete. While the children have developed and grown, there has been no indication that my brain will return to its previous level of functioning. Indeed, judging by the snickers and outright guffaws that result each time I open my mouth, I have reason to believe that further deterioration has been noted.

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In spite of it all, some small flicker of hope remains alive in me. I do have days when everything comes together, and I allow myself to trust that the brain damage might be reversible.

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But that will be the same day one son brings home his lunch bag and smugly pulls out the mustard jar I packed instead of a sandwich; and the other one responds with hysterical laughter when I suggest that I might have something to contribute at his school’s career day.
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It’s daunting how quickly one’s hopes can be dashed. Yet, I need only keep in mind one of life’s certainties; children do leave home in the end.

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The brain damage may be more extensive than I’d imagined. I’m almost sure I’m going to miss them…

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My darling Jules, Nik and J.J....always remember that I love the three of you dearly...the joy you have brought to my life is beyond all measure.

Julian loves parties

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J.J. with our girl Meeghan

My baby sister Nikki is just another one of my kids